PHISH

Phish was insane. Amazing, I loved it so much. They played 2 nights in Albany, and I went to both. We also ran around downtown Albany which was an adventure in itself.

The 2nd night, we got realllly close. The pictures make it seem farther away then we really were. I could see their faces!

They played most of my favorites.... Cavern, Down With Disease, Joy, Suzy Greenberg, Let Me Lie.... and so many others. I got the recordings of both nights from a friend so I have been listening to those almost nonstop.

Wish I could go to Miami for their New Year's set... but I'll be in SLC.

it's been almost a month!

wow. well, I've been busy. to make up for it I will share my most prized recipe: Pumpkin Enchiladas. Now, I know that sounds strange, but trust me, these are the most amazing enchiladas you will ever have. Everyone I've made them for LOVES them and wants the recipe. You will impress all your friends. I admit, the first time I saw this I was like, yeah right. But one day I happened to have all the ingredients and figured, Why not? It was the best thing I ever did in the kitchen!


Pumpkin Enchiladas

Ingredients:
corn tortillas (one package is enough)
enchilada sauce
2 cans pure pumpkin
1 chopped onion
shredded fat-free cheddar cheese (usually about one package)
1-2 tb. dry taco seasoning mix (to taste)
Optional: salt, black pepper, fat-free sour cream, chopped scallions

Directions:
Preheat oven to 400 degrees.

Chop onion and sautee.

Add pumpkin and taco seasoning to the bowl. Mix well. Add onions to the mixture. If you like, season to taste with salt and pepper. I add a little enchilada sauce to make the consistency more spreadable.

You can roll them like normal enchiladas, but in my family we stack ours, sort of like lasagna. So put a little sauce in the bottom of the dish, then a layer of tortillas. You'll prob have to tear a few to make it fit the shape of the dish.

Then add the pumpkin, then more sauce, then cheese. Then repeat til you've used up all the pumpkin. Make the final layer tortillas, covered with sauce and cheese. If you roll them (which is much harder) then put cheese in the middle.

Bake for about 15 minutes, or until cheese is melted.

I also make my own enchilada sauce - it's better! but you can buy the canned stuff too if you are in a hurry. here's the recipe, super easy and super good. I make this to eat with tortilla chips too.

1 can plain tomato sauce - you have to check to see if there are no spices/seasonings added.
(a can of tomato paste works too, but you really have to water it down)
4 TBS flour
3 TBS butter
1/8 tbs garlic powder
3 TBS chili powder
water

Melt the butter, then add flour to make sort of a paste. Then add the sauce and seasonings. Add water to thin, just add a little at a time til it looks right. It should be on the thin side but not soupy. If it gets too thin just add more flour.
Simmer for about 5 mins.

To make a heavier dish, you can add black beans, chicken, or whatever else you think might be good. But honestly, the regular enchiladas are the best.

Let me know if you make this!!

AFI

ok, so I saw AFI the other night... my favorite band EVER. AMAZING. I was so close to the stage. The pics actually make things look farther away than they really were. They played Girl's Not Grey, Miss Murder, both the Leaving songs, Love Like Winter, Silver & Cold, Dancing Through Sunday, Bleed Black plus their new stuff which was ... just... AMAZING! I use that word a lot but there really is no other word to describe it. My life is complete now.

Sex and the City Sequel

...is anybody else worried about this? I think you should be... I've seen a few pictures of production and while the fashion looks fabulous, as always.... do we really need this? the 80s flashback scenes look a little scary. I'm all for a good 80s flashback, but I don't see how they are going to pull this off... I think it's a little past the point where the movie people can make them look 25 again, that's all.

Plus Carrie and Big are going to separate AGAIN? that is so tired. I thought the wedding stunt was so awful and unnecessary last time. Do we really need to go through it again? It would be far more interesting to see them as a married couple, together and having a functioning, adult relationship. There can still be obstacles, of course, but please, no more separation... it will be going on 12 years now of this nonsense.

Of course I will go see it. My girlfriends and I were devoted followers of the series. We'd rent or borrow every episode we could and hole up in a dorm room for hours, watching. It was one of the best times we shared, just girl time, bonding over the myriad of relationship issues that we could relate to and dying over the fashion. There is something very magical about this series. The first movie was good, but couldn't quite capture the same magic. But I'm afraid this next one will just be tired.

I love me some Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha. I'm just afraid that it will be too much too late!

Also, the worst rumor I've heard: Miley Cyrus?? OMG. NO. Anything but that.

Playlist for September

some are new, some are old ones dusted off and put back into rotation.

Meet Me at My Window - Jack's Mannequin
Make Yourself - Incubus
It's Not My Time - 3 Doors Down
Sleep Apnea - Chevelle
Gifted - NASA ft. Kanye West, Santogold & Lykke Li
Don't Change - INXS
Paper Airplanes (makeshift wings) - AFI


oh yeah... I am GOING TO SEE AFI in 3 weeks! This is a dream come true.

This message will self-destruct in 5 seconds.

"I'm thinking about developing a hard drug habit," she announced to her friend."Please don't say that." Her friend replied. She shrugged. It was true. She was bored as hell, and generally disappointed. Her friend turned and gave her a Look, which meant that there was no more discussing this. She just wanted to feel something, anything different from the quiet desperation that had been growing over summer. It was now Fall, and still she felt the same.

The 80s movie they were watching was kind of depressing. 80s movies always depressed her. The hair - the Aquanetted, teased perms, the exaggerated waves leftover from the 70s. The music- oh, the music. Synthesizers, excessive use of saxophones. The big, boxy, pastel colored clothes. Surely they must have known how bad they looked back then, right? Hard to say. They probably thought they looked "Terrific." Ugh, that was another thing- the way they said things like, "I think she's really something, really terrific, don't you?" ...NO. She could barely concentrate on the movie. All of these things irritated and distracted her so much, like a cat being pet in the opposite direction of its fur.

She was well aware that her desire to do hard drugs was... unhealthy, to say the least.She'd always had a self-destructive streak within her. The more she ignored it, the more she pushed it down, the louder and stronger that call became. Cue the cigarettes, cue that time she abandoned her friends at the bar in Scotland to run off with a charming Englishman into the night, cue the falling in love with men who never appreciated her.Well, it kept life interesting, and always made for a good story. And occasionally, inspiration for a decent work of art.

Is there a rehab for pre-drug addicts? she wondered, only half-sarcastically. It's called Therapy! a little voice said to her. Ugh. No thanks. She was tired of discussing everything, at length.... to a complete stranger who was paid to listen, no less. They never had anything productive to say, anyway. They just sat there, wordlessly, while you were supposed to spill your guts. Then, when you had said your piece, they would just say, "Hm. Same time next week?" She couldn't think of anything more tiresome.

4 more months, she thought. Well, maybe 5.

Meet me at my window.

She was babysitting her roommate's dog. He was small and white and fluffy. Her roommate was gone on another one of his trips, this time for 2 weeks to faraway places such as Vermont... P-town... LA. How nice, she thought.

The dog soon became her best friend. He had forgone the little bed she had made him out of her sorority blanket her Big Sister had made her as a gift for reaching initiation 5 years earlier. Instead, he preferred to sleep in her little twin bed every night, keeping her warm. If she didn't have this little dog to care for, the loneliness would have been too much. Her other 2 roommates breezed in occasionally, to pick up more clothes, maybe shower, never staying the night. She stayed every night. She had no where else to go. And neither did the dog.

After work, she would sit on the porch with the dog. Reading, drawing, whatever. It didn't matter. Anything to keep from sitting still and letting her thoughts get the better of her. Now that her roommate was gone, she could sit on the porch and smoke, instead of having to walk down the street so that he didn't see her light up. She didn't' particularly care for smoking, but what else was there to do? Plus there was always the chance that one of the other roommates would come home. She and this other roommate smoked together when he made his cameo appearances at the house. It was all she had to look forward to, because she was alone, and because she was falling for him. They would come to each other's rooms, saying "Hey, want to have a cigarette?" The magic words. Code for spending 15 more minutes together outside, a chance to have another great conversation.

So there she was, sitting on the porch steps with the dog, smoking alone. Head instinctively turned to the end of the street, so that she might see his vehicle round the corner. If he came. It only happened once during those few weeks, and when she saw him make his way to the driveway, she had to turn her head to hide the enormous smile of delight. She hated herself for being so pathetic. But it was all she had.

Today, she had swallowed an Ativan and began her ritual of sitting, reading and smoking on the front porch. Cursing her desperation, she tried to turn her head away from the end of the street. But every time she heard a car approach, she'd whip her head around and think, Fuck you to every car that wasn't his. Fuck you for not coming home and being with me. Fuck me for caring.

They had spent an amazing weekend together once, talking the whole time. He had taken her to grab something to eat, then to the bar. The next day he came to see her at work, and after she got done he came to her room and they spent another 8 hours together, talking. Talking about everything there was to talk about, and the conversation never stalled, unless she would catch him staring at her. This made her nervous and uncomfortable the first day, but by the second, she would just return his gaze. Talking had transformed in to wordless stares into eachother's eyes. It was intense. But also beautiful. The world had begun to brighten again. A few days later, he had taken her in his truck to the top of the mountain to look at the city lights. After two sexually tense hours, he finally kissed her and they made out the rest of the night. "Are you real?" he had asked."Am I dreaming? You are too beautiful to be here." Her heart felt funny. "Am I dreaming?" she had murmured in reply. The truck's windows had steamed up due to the sudden rise of temperature in the cab. When it was time to go home, he walked her to her bedroom door and said Goodnight. Was that it, she had thought, as she listened to him walk across the hall and close his door.

After that dream-like night, she didn't see him very often. Fuck, she thought, making out didn't have to ruin things. Well, she could understand if he didn't want to shit where he ate, but she was cool... didn't he know that? She knew she wasn't the only one in the picture. She wouldn't have let herself attach herself to his side like she so desperately wanted to. So she was free to moon about the house wretchedly, alone with the dog who missed his master. Free to sit on the porch and smoke cigarettes in vain.

I have my mom's cookies in the freezer, she remembered. And that last glass of wine. Her mom had sent her a care package from deep within George Bush country, that red state where football was given a life-or-death kind of importance.

They had made plans to collaborate on several works of art together one day when he dropped by her work, coffees in hand. Another great day. But then he left that night and didn't return. She knew where he went, too. He would always ask, "Well, what are you doing tomorrow night? Are you free?" But, tomorrow night never came.

Why, she silently screamed, why does he come my work, bring me coffee or cook me dinner? If the Ativan hadn't still been working (now sustained with a glass of red wine), she might have started to cry. She wasn't sure if he knew how she felt, and she so wanted to tell him, but there was never an opportunity. Tomorrow night never came. She was tired of living on edge, tired of never being the one chosen at the end of the night. Tired of being left at home when he disappeared.

Time for another cigarette, she supposed, sighing.

read if you will.

I had an amazing night of a stream of consciousness. Clarity. I was able to define and articulate my thoughts in to a coherent narrative. I was talking so fast, I had so many thoughts but here are the best of them... or what I can remember. Maybe it was the Ativan. Whatever it was, the stream of conscious and the ease in which it flowed was amazing.

Prior Knowledge.
Ever since I can remember being aware of my surroundings and actively making a conscious thought, there are just some things I have always known. I call this Prior Knowledge. A thought, for me, is an amalgamation of feelings, words and actions that you put together. You create your own thoughts. But some thoughts, a small few, have not been created by me, they were already there. I've had this a few times in my life. The last major one would be about 2 1/2 years ago, where I had a realization of a devastating event coming in the near future. I didn't know what would happen, I didn't know how or when, but I knew it would be big. And disastrous. And.... it was. When I got that Feeling and Thought in my head, it was scary. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to run. I had the sense that there wasn't much to be done except wait... I didn't understand this dark cloud that had come to me, but 6 months later I got my answer. I can't say much more on that specifically, unless you ask. But a small example would be this: I've always had a Feeling that I would go to Scotland someday. I remember as a child not knowing all that much about that particular country, just that it was a place that I would someday be. I knew about France and England quite well, because that's where the princesses lived in their castles, but I never had a Feeling that I would go to either of those places. Scotland was already a pre-existing thought in my head - I hadn't actively formed it, it was already there. Why? I just don't know that.

Think of it this way. Picture your mind as a living room. There's a couch or two, chairs, lamps, paintings on the walls, windows, etc. Standard room. Some of the things in there have been added, moved around, or taken out, all by you because it's your room. Some of the things have just always been there, like say, a photograph. It came with the room when you arrived (i.e. came into consciousness). You never really noticed it sitting on the shelf before; it was just part of the room, the room that is your mind. You just accepted it as part of the scene but never really looked at it before. You've never touched or moved it, it has always been in that spot and you just now see it. "Huh, I can't believe I've never noticed that there before!" you would say. This picture is really a thought. A thought that was grown in your mind along with your own evolution, along with your cells and neurons and veins. It was there when you were born, because it's something you've just always known. That photograph is a metaphor for the Feelings that have always been there in the mind that you just now see.

Now, careful here. This is the part where some antagonists would say, "you do make these thoughts, which then become self-fulfilling prophecies." It's a fine line, it is. And sometimes it is hard for me to distinguish. The Scotland trip is not something that I fulfilled myself. I was literally handed a plane ticket and some money. I would have never been able to go on my own. And since I was a small girl, I knew that someday that would happen for me. Same with the Disastrous Event. And same goes for a few other things. It doesn't happen often, but it's happened often enough for me to stop and think, Hmmm. My mom says I am very intuitive.... that is so, but I'm not sure it is responsible for my occasional Thoughts and Feelings. She'll ask me, "What do you think will happen with this?" (because I am usually right). I have to tell her, "Mom, I'm not a fortune-teller," but then I will give her my best judgement and prediction. I had to tell my dear friend that I was not a clairvoyant.... If only, because things would be so much easier then! Most of the time, well actually I can't think of a time when my Feelings/Thoughts were wrong. But like anyone, self-doubt gets in the way. I have always been able to trust myself, and I've had to force myself to listen to my gut and follow it. My mom has told me of countless times when she's ignored her own Feelings because they weren't in accordance with what she wanted to do, and she has been very sorry over the results.

Right now I have a Feeling about something. Unfortunately I am growing impatient and I feel like time is running out. My self-doubt is kicking in, making me wonder if this is a photograph that hasn't always been in the living room, I had put it there and forgot about it til now.

Are you stil with me? Of course this makes perfect sense to me, but this is something meant for conversation and dialogue.


The Mountain.
On to the next topic that I was philosophizing about last night. Hope you are still with me. I was saying to my dear friend last night, I feel as though I've just climbed a large Mountain. And at the top of that Mountain was a Mind of My Own. I can now Think For Myself, finally being free of anyone else's influence, no matter how strong.

Well, I've always had a very strong mind of my own, but I pushed it down, stifled it because I wanted other people (i.e. my family) to be happy. I shoved it underneath the couch in my Living Room. It would escape from time to time, complicating things. I followed my family's way of life and beliefs for about 19 years, because I was raised that way and I wanted to be an accepted member who was loved. Even though I disagreed with almost all of the things I was taught, I ignored my feelings and radical thoughts because I had always been taught that thinking and feeling that way was wrong. So, I felt that inside I was not good. I felt so sad and horrible for how I felt... something I couldn't help. I thought that inside I was realy a bad person. I desperately tried for years to change my own mind, to change everything about what was in me. And deep down I knew that I was a fake. I wasn't living for myself; I was living for them.

Slowly though, as I was growing up and coming to make my own decisions and determinations about the world, I woke up. Climbed farther up the Mountain. Instead of always retreating back down the the base of the Mountain where it was familiar and where I had my family, as I had done for years, I continued going Up. Slowly, but surely. Going Up was scary, and it took me a long time. I was alone in this, I was leaving the Fold. I had no idea what awaited me at the top.

A couple years ago, I found out. At the top was the sun. Lightness, clarity and freedom... I could finally breathe. It was a long journey. I had many reasons not to ever complete my climb, and I certainly had many people trying to keep me from breaking away. I still do. It was lonely, scary and one of the hardest things I've had to do.... but also completely worth it. My mind is now Free. I am not held back according to what others believe. I do not feel the need to live my life like theirs.

Some people never will do this. I've seen it throughout history, people who followed the crowd because they were afraid to express their own ideas and thoughts. Of being alone. And with good reason, too. Those who did were ostracized, shunned, imprisoned, and even killed. But what's more important? Living just to be alive, just to eat, drink and breathe another day, or living your own life, free, being true to yourself?

The road up the Mountain is long, hard, and lonely. Sometimes there is no road at all. But you have to keep going. Because at the top, is everything.

If I hadn't made me, I would've been made
somehow.
If I hadn't assembled myself, I'dve fallen apart by
now.
If I hadn't made me, I'd be more inclined to bow.
Powers that be would have swallowed me up,
but that's more than I can allow.
If you let them make you, they'll make you
papier-mache.
At a distance you're strong, until the wind comes
then you crumble and blow away.
You should make amends with you.
If only for better health.
But if you really want to live,why not try and Make
Yourself?
If I hadn't made me, I'dve fallen apart by now.
I won't let em' make me, it's more than I can
allow.
So when I make me, I won't be papier-mache.
And if I fuck me...I'll fuck me in my own way.
You should make amends with you.
If only for better health.
But if you really want to live,
why not try and Make Yourself?
Make Yourself.

soundtracks

I'm big on playlists/soundtracks. Ask me to make you one, and it'll make my day. Sometimes, I'll just say, "I'll make you one!" whether you asked me to or not. Sometimes I'll have to pause a movie several times to look up that song that's playing in the background.

I listen to music all day long at work, and often put my ipod on shuffle if I'm sick of the current playlist I've put together. As always, you tend to skip a lot of songs that come up (sometimes I will skip 90% of what I have).... reasons for this vary from sick of that song to not right now, or for me, I can't bear to listen to that right now ... reason for that being is that since I make so many playlists, you come to associate certain songs with certain times in your life, certain experiences or (worst case scenario) certain people. Sometimes I listen to a song because of that, too, being in an nostalgic mood. Here's a sampling of what almost always gets skipped, thanks to a few men in my life (don't worry, I won't go through the entire laundry list)

TW - 4 U by Korn... or any Korn song off of their Issues album.
Leader of Men by Nickelback

AW - Runaway by Something Corporate
Tiny Vessels by Death Cab for Cutie

DC - Self-Esteem by the Offspring

VB - Erase/Rewind by the Cardigans
Comfort You by Eskimo Joe

The ones "in memory" of AW & VB always get skipped. Just hurts too much and I can't stand it. One time, I made AW a playlist of songs that made me think of him/our songs, and I made a booklet to go with- lyrics to allll the songs. It was one of my christmas presents to him, so that's why I put more work into it, but I wonder if he thought I was crazy! I wish I still had it... I wonder if he does... Self-Esteem always makes me laugh... then feel bad, because I'm that girl in that song and he (DC) is the guy.

The song for right now is Meet Me at My Window by Jack's Mannequin. The fate of how many times this song will be played or skipped has yet to be determined!

Eclipse Mill Gallery show

This week, I was asked to be a part of the Eclipse Mill Gallery show, "Imaged Words." The opening was Friday, and the exhibition is up til October 4th. It was an honor to be asked to participate, and thank you to those who came to see my work!
I
My piece is on the far left, entitled You Could Have Been the One.


Lately, I've had a flood of ideas come to me for new art. It's such an amazing time, because I've had such a dry spell (art-wise, that is) for a long time. I have so many ideas I can't remember them all. I don't know what it is, maybe some new influences, but whatever it may be I hope I can ride this wave for as long as I can. I'm not like some artists, who are constantly creating. Well, I am constantly writing and making little sketches but as far as finished works, that's harder to come by. Sometimes it makes me feel like I'm not a real artist, and I really wonder if I am sometimes. But I don't know how to, or want to do anything else. I've been uninspired for a long time, mired down in emotional rollercoasters that left me unable to concentrate on anything else.... and I think that fog has lifted. Thank you, universe, and whoever you are.

meeting the gov.

very random, but... not a bad way to spend a morning.

something awesome

so, my art professor Greg Scheckler did the cover art for one of my favorite bands ever.... Brand New. How cool is this!!

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B002K0VMB4

this painting hung in Gallery 51 last year. Congratulations!

meanwhile- I've been meaning to write a new blog soon. It's coming.

my art in the BAC gallery

I am sleep-walking today. Went to a party last night, there was a chill band and cool people, and the next thing I knew it was 4 am. I almost felt cool.

I just realized how many birthday parties I went to this month. I guess July was a popular month to be born...?

Here are some cell phone pics of my art in the BAC gallery... opening this Thursday! Need to get a real camera, as I accidentally drowned mine in Italy. sigh.

a question

umm... how is Jon Goesslin suddenly America's most eligible bachelor??

it's astounding.

Berkshire Artists Colony on Facebook

I always feel like writing, then I get here and have nothing to say. I get really good ideas, too, and then they vanish. All I can think of right now is that I'm hungry but still probably won't cook myself any dinner.

Well, the other day I went to look at kittens with my friend Carri, who's getting one. I almost died I was so happy, because baby kittens are truly a joy. Meet Violet.

Other than that, not much has been going on. Life is boring still, and I have to take it day by day so I don't go crazy here. I've been listening to a lot of This American Life radio shows online lately, while at work. This is a gem of a program. There are so many stories about people's lives - the unusual, the sad, the quirky, the good, love stories, etc...... it's fascinating. I recommend this to anyone - let me know if you listen to it too!

Went out for a friends' birthday last night. Hadn't seen her in over a year and it was good to catch up... though we both have so many stories from our various travels over the months and weeks, we aren't up to date yet! It was good, really good. The photo below of the headstone "Rose" is from our walk. The epitaph was beautiful... "That which is Seen is Temporary. That which is Unseen is Eternal." We wrote this on a piece of paper and put it into a bottle, which was then thrown into the lake.

Speaking of adventures, and in this case by "adventure" I mean relationship drama, I got a note. My drawing was received and things are a little more resolved. I can't believe it. But I am happy and relieved and ask me about it if you know of what I'm referring to. A weight has been lifted..... Just...... well, good.

In Art News, my work is going to hang in the BAC Gallery on Eagle Street soon. The opening is July 30.

so.... update... I've been neglecting this lately. Shameful.

What has been going on lately? A lot of the same.

Last night was the Book Reading/Book Signing at Kolok Gallery for Joe Olshan and Susan Quinn, both of whom had books published on the same day, and are both friends of the gallery. We had a good turn out and many books sold. I really want to read their books soon. After that I was exhausted from working all day but I went to my friend's house to have dinner and chill out. ... side note, Pineapple Express is really a great movie.

The night before there was a birthday party for my friend Dan, first at the lake for several hours, then we retreated back to the mills til well into the middle of the night. Interesting happenings went on for sure.

Started another piece, intended for submission for a juried show, but I'm not sure that I like the way it's turning out. Might have to start over, but I need more supplies and surprise, surprise, I'm just about broke again.

Ummm... OH yeah, for those of you who don't know, I got a teaching (English) job in Florence, Italy. I'll go in January, for at least a year, if not indefinitely. I feel as though I'm going back where I belong. (PS- thank you to all 14 of you who voted in my poll! :) ).

Also I was asked to join the Berkshire Artists' Colony board, which I have. I will also have my work shown their gallery this month. Will be sure to post pictures soon. so... hooray for art, it is one of the most amazing forces on this earth.

the walk

haven't written in a while.
just been working, 7 days a week again now.
I am....
well I dont have an answer for that.

Inside out, upside-down twisting beside myself,
Stop that now, cos you and I were never meant to be
I think you better leave; it's not safe in here,
I feel a weakness coming on.

Alright then (Alright then) I could keep your number for a rainy day,
That's where this ends, no mistakes no misbehaving,
Oh, I was doing so well, can we just be friends,
I feel a weakness coming on.

It's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this, Yeah,
No it's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this, so that makes it all your fault.

Inside out, upside-down twisting beside myself,
Stop that now; you're as close as it gets without touching me,
Oh no, don't make it harder than it already is,
Mmm, I feel a weakness coming on.

It's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this, Yeah,
No it's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this, so that makes it all your fault.

michael jackson

I am sad.
Sad for Michael Jackson.
I grew up with him, I can remember listening to my mom's cassette tapes of Billie Jean on one side and Beat It on the other in our tiny apartment in New Jersey. It must have been 1988 or 89.
I rocked out to Black or White in elementary school.

I've been sad for him for a long time, bc he always looked so unhappy.
He must have been one of the loneliest people in the world.
I am sad bc we lost such an amazing talent. The world has never seen anything like him.

I hope he is at peace and happy now.

Status: wish it was 5 pm, but will settle for an iced chai.

Weather: Threatening to storm.

Sarah Palin: idiot.

Letterman: idiot.

Twitter: stop it already.

True Blood: awesome.

Jon&Kate: please go away.

My bank account: not in the red anymore.

Mind: distracted.

My art: nonexistent at this moment.
But: have an idea.
But: need paper shredder.

Grad school: No.

Life: boring as hell.

This new format: mi piace.

Please: help me and do my poll.

poll by twiigs.com

Blogs.

Blogs.
And Life.
Those are the two things I'm thinking about. Somehow related, and sometimes not.

Blogs.
I was reading one of my favorite blogs yesterday, that I hadn't read in a while, and I realized how boring mine is. Blogs by nature are vain things.... or can be. I am guilty of this... I cringe when I recall how I recently wrote a long and rambling blog of all the ridiculous romantic drama I had in Italy. I hope none of you saw that... I apologize if you did! I have a tendency to just put it all out there on the internet sometimes, which is good because I believe in full disclosure (I was censored for many years), but bad because sometimes, I'm sure you really don't want to know about the issues I had with my mother a year ago.

I love reading my friends' blogs about weddings and babies and teaching and such. It's a great way of keeping up with their lives, since most of them live far away and it's been a long time since we've seen each other (so keep writing!). I started my blog a couple years ago, for the same reason, but also because I generally have something to say. Some of you might find this funny because I frequently just post song lyrics. It's a bad habit, I know.... that's when you know I'm upset, when I do that, because I don't have the words to say it myself. Anyway, But I will try to be better about that. People start blogs for different reasons, but we all want them to be interesting. I need to better about this- Note to Self: no more lyrics, be interesting. Got it.

Here's a list of blogs that I love:

Jezebel

Go Fug Yourself

Buntology

Cafe Con Lesley

Linda Strawberry

Speaking of.... what do you think of Myspace lately? I don't like it anymore. I kind of want to delete mine. Also, I refuse to get a Twitter.

Life.

Hmm... well I'm obviously back in America. Suck. But I'm managing to have a good time. Hanging out with friends more, and it's more fun. (Seems kind of obvious... but... sometimes the little things are the hardest to realize. Ha.)

I now spend my days just working, missing Firenze/wondering if I will ever hear from a certain someone about the thing I mailed him (probably not), hanging with Yuli (the dog), going to workout class and being with my friends. Also not eating well/being poor (they go hand in hand).

It's weird being here by myself. I've always associated this town with my mother, and now she's gone, and I'm not. I don't really know how I feel about that.

Moved in with my friend, hooray. Perks include a sweet house, within walking distance of work, and the most adorable dog ever. Will post pics later. But you should know I love him! and we're friends.

OH. Decided not to go to grad school. At least, not for this fall. There were so many little things that were telling me that it wasn't the right thing for me right now, and I finally listened. I acutally feel much better about it now, much lighter. I didn't want to admit it because I worked so hard on getting in, but sometimes (well, all the time really) you have to listen to your gut.

So, I'm going to teach english in Italy (Florence) or China. But I'm not sure which one yet. Being abroad is the best thing for me right now.

ok, I have to go work on being more interesting now. And eat some lunch.

the BEST story EVER

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playlist for beginning of summer

• Black Heart Inertia - Incubus
• Tell Me It's Not Over - Starsailor
• To Lose My Life - White Lies
• E.S.T. - White Lies
• One Month Off - Bloc Party
• Snowflakes - White Apple Tree
• Moi...Lolita - Alizee
• Have Gun, Will Travel - the Audition
• The Recluse - Cursive
• Driftwood: A Fairytale - Cursive
• Ain't No Rest for the Wicked - Cage the Elephant

Great new songs.... I'd love to hear what you think of them!

really?

the guardrail in Fiesole.
translated:
"I would like to be your tears
and be Born of your eyes
Live on your cheeks
and Die in your lips... I love you."

my fsvorite spot in all of Firenze.

well, I'm home now. I am happy to be around people that love me, and everyone's been so nice. I kind of forgot what that was like. It's warm and cozy.

BUT my heart, as I knew it would, is crying for Firenze. I left someone, and now, the fact that we are an ocean apart hurts like hell.

Everyone is asking me, "How was it?" ....Well it's hard to sum up 4 months of adventures, romantic dilemmas (and the subsequent heartbreak), exploring, learning and Vespa riding into a just a few words. I lived so much in in the past 4 months. I am different now, wiser and the better for it. It was a roller coaster ride that I am a little bruised from, but still exhilarated and a bit breathless. I cannot believe all that happened, both the good and the bad. I have both been so high with happiness, and low with anguish at different times. I don't even know what to say about it all.

I loved my time there. it was the craziest, surprising, eye-opening, wonderful time.

I am going back. Mark my words.

Seems that all my friends were right
That we can't survive on your bedroom eyes
And a Spanish guitar

When we started this it was paradise
Not just Bethnal green
And it's just not right this waiting game
Making a cuckold of me

I can be as cruel as you
Fighting fire with firewood
I can be as cruel as you
Fighting lies with lies
(If you need time)

And it's just not like me to lash out
But, enough is enough
Tell me what the others can do
That I can't?

Stuck on a dream that somewhere is better
You'll be the one missing out

I can be as cruel as you

Hush now, don't explain
You're the cause of all my trouble and pain
Unless you're mad
Don't explain

My love, my love, my love
Don't explain
There is nothing within me now to gain
You know that I love you
Look at what loving has done
All my thoughts were real
And so sincere
I'm so completely yours

You know I hear folks cha-cha-cha-chatter
And I know you cheat
Right or wrong, that don't matter
You're here with me
Sit down, have a seat
It's your time to feel the pain
It's your time to weep
Don't explain

Hush now, don't explain
There is nothing within me now to gain
I'm gonna skip it instead
Don't explain
Don't explain

this says it all, so much better than I ever could.

Tell me your secret
What you desire
I will still be there for you
And tell me you need it
Tell me something you're not
I will still be there for you
Say you believe it
All of your lies
Tell me you feel it
And don't compromise
I will still be there for you

You're lighting my dreams
You light up my skin
You're so far away
you're holding it in
I'm looking around
watching it spin
God, my world outside is changing
something within

On the steps of the Duomo.

Trevi Fountain in Roma.

a great night.

Siena.

I just can't breathe sometimes.

for Easter Monday I went to Fiesole with some of my girlfriends.
We hoofed it up a hill to see the breathtaking view of Florence.
Wish I had pictures but I killed my camera last week by spilling a bottle of water in my bag.
As one can guess people have written all over the guardrails.
But on the railing, there was something that I really liked:

"Vorrei essere le tue lacrime
e Nascere dei tuoi occhi
Vivere sulle tue guance
e Morire nelle tue labbra.... ti amo."

"I would like to be your tears
and be Born of your eyes
Live on your cheeks
and Die in your lips... I love you."

I don't know if this is some sort of poem in Italy or if someone just wrote it. Either way, it much have been important enough to scratch onto a metal rail. There was also someone's name on it but I couldnàt make out what it said.

I also liked that I could read it without having to look up any of the words :)

I JUST GOT ACCEPTED INTO GRAD SCHOOL!!!!

Una Fiaba

C'era una volta un coniglietto voleva una torta, quindi venne alla città. Quando arrivò, lui

ha realizzato che non aveva i soldi per comprare la torta. Il coniglietto cominciò a piangere. Dopo lui cadde un buco nella strada dove trovò dei soldi. Diventerò molto felice, e poi rise cosi tante che saltò sopra e corse alla pasticceria a comprò la torta.


I wrote that in class today :)



Now for a true story:
there was an earthquake last night. My bed shook. I didn't die.

don't say you will, when you won't.

maybe I should get that tattooed on me. actually not. but really.

so... spring break. Being a poor girl, I wasnàt able to go to Greece or Spain or wherever. So, I went to Rome (Roma). I museum-hopped my heart out.

I guess the easiest way is to make a list (I am a list-lover).

Sunday: stayed in Firenze.
--Tried to go to the Pitti Palace but it was like €12.50, which is like $17 or something. Next.
--Chiesa di San Marco to see the Fra Angelico frescoes. LOVED it. Thereàs just something about seeing something youàve only read about for years.

Monday: Nothing. Tried to get in the Bargello but, as that place used to be a police barrack or something, I couldnàt figure out the entrance. Forget what else I did that day.

Tuesday: Firenze.
-- Chiesa Santa Maria Novella.
--Museo di Duomo. Saw the real Gates of Paradise by Ghiberti. They were seperated... which through me off a little... I always imagined they would still be together as 2 doors. It was sweet though.

Wednesday: Roma!
--Basilica degli Angeli (designed by Michelangelo).
--Colosseum.
--Trevi Fountain twice (by day & by night).
--And a personal favorite, the Four Fountains.
--oh, and Santa Maria della Vittoria! I got in just as they were closing. It was a goal of mine to see "The Ecstasy of St. Teresa" by Bernini. It was AMAZINGLY beautiful. ahhh. so happy.

Thursday: still in Roma.
--Pantheon.
--Santa Maria sopra Minerva (where Fra Angelico's tomb is).
--Bernini's elephant with the Egyptian obelisk.
--Santa Maria Maggiore (where Bernini's tomb is).

Friday: went back home. rested.

Saturday:
--Ferragamo museum. For a shoe lover like me... amazing! took sooo many pictures. wished I was rich, again.

Sunday:
-- Chiesa Santissima Annunziata. Went there on a whim; sooo glad I did. There was a string quartet playing inside, and then a Mass or something Catholic-y started. I loved the singing. I donàt understand any of it (aside from the obvious- being in Italian), like the thing they swing back and forth with the smoke. But it was beautiful. Lucky timing, I am def. going back. the church is gorgeous as well; my favorite in Firenze.

I am trying to upload picures of everything to facebook but the internet is not being agreeable right now. Also in Roma I stayed with an Alpha Phi and we had a good time! I did other stuff too but... oh well. I feel very accomplished right now.

I saw this yesterday:

it was amazing.

in other words....

I leave again

Cuz I've been waiting in vain

But you're so in love with yourself

If I say my heart is sore

Sounds like a cheap metaphor

So I won't repeat it no more

I'd rather eat my soup with a fork

Or drive a cab to New York

Cuz to talk to you is harder work

So what's the point of wasting all my words

If it's just the same or even worse

Than reading poems to a horse

You keep on aiming for the top

And quit before you sweat a drop

I bet you'll find someone like you

Cuz there's a foot for every shoe

I wish you luck but I've got other things to do

I got dosed by you and
Closer than most to you and
What am I supposed to do

Take it away I never had it anyway
Take it away and everything will be okay

In you a star is born and
You cut a perfect form and
Someone forever warm

Lay on

Way upon the mountain where she died
All I ever wanted was your life
Deep inside the canyon I can't hide
All I ever wanted was your life

Show love with no remorse and
Climb on to your seahorse and
This ride is right on course

Way upon the mountain where she died
All I ever wanted was your life
Deep inside the canyon I can't hide
All I ever wanted was your life

I got dosed by you and
Closer than most to you and
What am I supposed to do

Take it away I never had it anyway
Take it away and everything will be okay

sometimes when I have no words (like this past month), these songs speak for me.

Treating my body like a stolen car
Wait
Twelve-story building drop
Wait

Well I didn't mean to be looking for you
But it's cold in the alley and my life's a mess
There's a room on fire in the back of my brain
I've been searching through faces but they're all the same

Temptation
I give up the fight tonight
My body is an open mouth, oh
Temptation
I just have to know right now
'Cause I don't wanna be the one who let you go

My mouth burns up when I try to speak
There's something about you, make me feel so weak
I can't seem to find what I came here for
You know we could be lovers but I just want more
My arms are open but you play with me
Sweet striptease

Temptation
I give up the fight tonight
My body is an open mouth, oh
Temptation
I just have to know right now
'Cause I don't wanna be the one who let you go

But you stand there waiting for the blood to drain
Too long, waiting for day that never breaks
Watch you pass like a speeding train
Hold me now or run, run, run, run

Temptation
I give up the fight tonight
My body is an open mouth, oh
Temptation
I just have to know right now
'Cause I don't wanna be the one who let you go

I don't wanna be the one who let you go

Pretty, if the sun won't shine
I'll be coming up to meet you, I'll be there to make you mine
Pretty, if the rain will pour
I'll be knocking at your window I'll be begging you for more

It's as if you've come along too soon
And I'm trying to fit you in but I can't seem to find the room
Cutie, if it all falls through
We can piece it back together, I can learn to trust you too

You're just too good to lose
And I can't refuse
So dont make me choose between the two
I'm fed up in here in my atmosphere
Don't you know who you are
You're my shooting star

Pretty, teach me wrong from right
Bc in life there are no answers and in life there is no lie
Pretty, if the sun won't shine
now you've come this far to meet me and I know, I know you're mine

You're just too good to lose
And I can't refuse
So don't make me choose between the two
I'm fed up in here in my atmosphere
Don't you know who you are
You're my shooting star

Don't you know who you are, you're my shooting star

so here I am!

it's pretty awesome.
I won't be posting on here too much, so check the facebook.
:)

the Inauguration

well.
where do I start...
it was An Experience, to say the least.

It was Cold.
It was long and hard.


Ok. Everyone keeps asking how it was. They are excited and I feel like they expect me to say, "Amazing!" or "SO good" or something, and ...... I don't want to disappoint, but it was anything but.



We got there at 5:30 am and immediately started walking to the National Mall. It was cold but everyone was very excited and there were wonderful people along the way, shouting, "Welcome to DC!" It was really nice. Exciting and welcoming. I felt good, despite not bring able to sleep on the bus and it was still dark out. Walk walk walk, a few miles I think!


so we get there at 7 am (I think), and wait. they are playing music and broadcasting the concert from the day before. People are dancing and cheering. At around 8 am the cold is starting to become noticeable. It was 20 degrees the whole day, but you think, I have lots of layers and handwarmers, I'll be fine! oh.... no. not. at. all.




By the time the actual inauguration started at 11 am, we all we just about frozen. My feet burned, they were so cold. I almost fell over a couple times. Couldn't move around anymore. It was exciting when senators/governors started being announced though. I felt better. The crowd cheered when they saw Kerry or Ted Kennedy or Hilary. But the announcements for Important People's introductions took about an hour.


When Bush walked out, people booed and the broadcast was muted for a minute. I felt bad. I don't like the way he ran his presidency, it was pretty awful in fact, but people shouldn't have booed. Don't kick him when he's down. He looked tired, sad and resigned. But he's a still a person.


Finally, Obama appeared. The crowd chanted, O-BA-MA, O-BA-MA. Then the cermonies started and I was able to forget how cold and miserable I was. Obama's speech was strong, forceful, and great.


We tried to leave after that, to try and beat the rush, but most everyone had the same idea. It took us about 4 hours to get back to the bus. It was ... so bad. Like what a cold day in hell must be. That's about all I want to say, I don't want to relive it.




Then we had to wait 2 hours in the bus bc one of the girls had to go to the hospital, collapsed during the ceremony, I'm not sure. So we left DC at about 8:30 pm. Got home at 5 am.


I had to call in sick to work the next day, I felt like someone beat me up. We went 24 hours with no sleep and nothing to eat (everything was closed in DC).



So. The actual inauguration ceremony WAS amazing. But the other 30 hours were hellish. It really was the cold; I could deal with the 2 million people, but it was pretty unbearable. The cold surrounded and overtook you, and being outside in it for 10 hours... pain... just painful. Basic human needs went unmet for far too long. Now I have a bad sore throat as a souvenier.


I am posting a link to a blog of one of my coworker's daughters, who not surprisingly had similar experiences, and I think said it better than I did: Buntology


I'm about half glad I went, and half regretful. I love Obama. I think everyone knows that. I want him to be my dad. The spirit of unity and goodwill was really great to be apart of. But it doesn't keep you warm, that's for sure.

I am really grateful I got to go, but I'm never hanging out with 2 million people again!

this little article