things I have to do before I die

(in no particular order)
1) swim in the Dead Sea
2) stay in India
2a) study at an ashram
3) see the Passion Play in Oberammergau, Germany
4) be completely fluent in Italian
5) wear Manolo Blahniks
6) live in New York City
7) go to Egypt.
8) travel specifically to all the places where my ancestors lived in Germany, England and Scotland.
9) Really be able to help someone in their life.
10) Go somewhere tropical.
11) Create good art.


Things I have done!
1) Lived in Italy
2) Saw the Sistine Chapel
3) bought Chanel sunglasses (in Italy)
4) found the perfect red lipstick
5) learned to drive a stick shift
6) had international romances
7) survived devastation.

hey

I've started a new endeavor.

jcphistory.wordpress.com

I've started researching my family history, and this is my new blog about it. It's going to be really good.

I'll still update this one from time to time, but right now I'm devoting all of my energy to this project. I hope you follow me over there as I'm serious about it, and I never really was about this one.

thank you.
I'm excited.
:)

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Can I do this? I don't know. My heart aches. I can't think about it. but it's all I can think about. it's so bitter and it's so sweet. why did I say no? it wasn't safe, but I still wish I had jumped. when I finally get there, will it still be there? will it matter anymore? there's a fine line between taking the plunge and being incredibly stupid. either way, it would hurt. I want air. I want music. I want the city. I want smoke. I want fire. I want to trip. I want to forget my name. I want my friends here. I want to walk in the edge of the Arno at 4 am again-- what a magical moment that was-- not with the one I love, but with the artist from Chicago. we talked about art and life and we kissed in the middle of the freezing river in the middle of the night and then I left. it was a one-night stand of the mind, not the body.... this tangent has taken a tangent. that idyllic scene was my last night there, and my heart had already been broken by the one I will always want. he still lives on the Arno. pretty if the sun won't won't shine, I'll be coming up to meet you, I'll be there to make you mine. pretty, if the rain will pour, I'll be knocking at your window I'll be begging you for more... but when? the time is not right now, and I don't understand. will it ever be time? baby, I hope so.

top 10 songs that changed my life.

well, that sounds dramatic. but I am such a fan of music and this seems like an important list to make.

Drive by Incubus.

This is the #1 song that changed everything for me.... how do I explain this? This song came out when I was about 14, and it was catchy enough to be played on Top 40 radio-- which I had been listening to since birth because that was what my mom listens to, and I didn't know any other kind of music. When I heard this though, my mind exploded. It was love at first listen, and I knew that music for me would never be the same. Destiny's Child, Pink, Backstreet Boys and such were big on the radio back then, and I guess I liked it, but there was no connection, no meaning for me. I went out immediately and bought the entire cd, Make Yourself, and it is still to this day on my Top 25 most played list. These songs were unlike anything I had ever heard before, about things that weren't about getting or finding love or revenge. They were about life - the uncertainty of it all, not knowing where you really are or what you should do, and about listening to your innerself, not outside influences.

Drive is about fear, and finding youself and your own way, amd no song has never been more applicable to my life. I have had to make my own way in the world, and break free from the forces that were telling me how to live my life. When I heard this song, I felt instinctively that this was the song I had been waiting to hear all of my life.

Sometimes, I feel the fear of // Uncertainty stinging clear// And I can't help but ask myself // how much I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer// It's driven me before, and it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal // But lately I'm beginning to find that I// should be the one behind the wheel. // So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive // Will I choose water over wine // and hold my own and drive? // It's driven me before // and it seems to be the way that everyone else gets around// But lately I'm beginning to find that // when I drive myself my light is found.

When ever I hear it, especially on the radio, my heart does a little flip of joy!

Under the Bridge by Red Hot Chili Peppers

This song really helped me through a dark time in high school. It took me a while to realize it was about Anthony Kiedis' heroin addiction and literally living under a bridge at one point. But, the lyrics still spoke to me. I had fallen into a deep depression at age 15, which I didn't understand, and it was a very confusing time for me. Life at home was really unstable, so much so that I would dread the end of the day bc that meant I had to go home. My friends tried to help me, but being 15 years old themselves, they just were not equipped, and we drifted apart for a few months. Talking about this now is reminding me of all the dark feelings I had back then, and it's not something I ever talk about because it's so hard.

Anthony Kiedis' tired, weathered voice was full of pain and regret, and it might have been me singing about his weary lonelieness. It didn't matter that his pain was from addiction in Los Angeles, and mine was from extreme lonelieness and a hellish family situation, and feeling estranged from my peers at school. I felt like there was no one I could connect with and I was completely alone. In fact, I wished it was me that was singing that song. But it was a very comforting thing to me, to know that I was not the only one who needed someone to just understand.

Sometimes I feel like I don't have a partner // Sometimes I feel like my only friend// Is the city I live in, the city of angels // Lonely as I am, together we cry// I don't ever want to feel like I did that day // Take me to the place I love, take me all the way// I don't ever want to feel like I did that day// It's hard to believe that there's nobody out there// It's hard to believe that I'm all alone// At least I have her love, the city she loves me// Lonely as I am, together we cry.

This song was like putting salve on my wounds. It made me feel like I did have a friend.

When I Come Around by Green Day

I remember this when the video was on tv back in the day, maybe about 10 years old. It was punchy, it was catchy, and it was everywhere. But I didn't really discover this song and the album Dookie (Longview, Basket Case, Brain Stew) until I was 14. It's just such a good song about being a loser in the eyes of the world, not doing what others think you should, and not caring.

I heard it all before// So don't knock down my door// I'm a loser and a user so I don't need no accuser// to try and slag me down because I know I'm right.

Those are my favorite lyrics, I still think they apply to my life even now.... to me this is just a feel good song.

Girl's Not Grey by AFI

This song introduced me to my other all-time favorite band, beside Incubus. The little emo girl in me that started to develop at 15 LOVES this band. It's hard to choose just one of their songs for this list, so many are brilliant and poignant and beautiful. I will always love this band. For me, discovering them is like when peanut butter met jelly. A perfect match made in heaven for ever and ever. HAHA. and this year I finally saw them live. And, of course I was at the front.

Falling Away from Me by Korn

This song was a big one for me in high school.

My HS boyfriend and I would listen to this cd, Issues, allllllll the time. It reminds me of driving around with him, speakers blaring so much that they shook the car, and running around doing things we shouldn't have. How did it change my life? Well, listening to this type of hardcore music was new to me. Sure, Incubus and their nu-metal schtick had been rotating around for a few years at this point, but this is pretty dark. They screamed. Incubus was about wondering about their place in life and who they were and why there were there, but Korn got right to the point. And I loved it. It made me realize that music could truly be a release-- I always knew that in the back of my head but after this song, I think I really got it.

Hey, I'm feeling tired// My time, is gone today // You flirt with suicide // Sometimes, that's ok // Hear what others say I'm here, standing hollow //Falling away from me

Yeah, those are pretty serious lyrics. Remember at this point I was coming out of that black hole I fell into when I was 15. this really helped.

Something Corporate

You know, I really need to include a Something Corporate song in this list, because they too have impacted me in a huge way. My serious boyfriend (my first great love) at school introduced me to them and it has been love ever since - he and I obv didn't make it, but SoCo and I always will.

...but how do I choose just one? I listened to this band non-stop freshman and sophomore year of college. Almost all of their songs have a memory associated with it, be it Runaway or Punk Rock Princess (aforementioned boyfriend who I just loved), I Kissed a Drunk Girl (pledging), Forget December (home)... I have to include a few (and they all count as one entry for my top 10 list!!).

I Woke Up in a Car

I literally heard this song when I woke up in my car. My bf and I were road-tripping it to California for spring break, he was driving and had put this cd on while I was sleeping, and this is the song I woke to. It's a such a beautiful memory for me- I remember the first thing I saw were enormous rocky mountains on either side of us, windmills at the top, looking at my bf who was so beautiful in that moment, and this perfect song was filling my ears and imprinting on me forever. I was just so happy and content with my life at that point. I wish I could paint this or find a way to capture it forever.

I woke up in a car// I traced away the fog// So I could see the Mississippi on her knees// I've never been so lost// I've never felt so much at home // Please write my folks and throw away my keys//I woke up in a car

I Won't Make You

(breaking up with said boyfriend at the end of the year, which at that point was one of the hardest things I had ever done)

I'm under attack again my dear, I'm in the way//Got no resolutions, no clever anecdotes to say//And still if I yell at the top of my lungs will it be the same?//I'd fly you a flag, I'd bury this pen into my veins // Scream my name just one more time//But I won't make you

It's so inherently emo, and I will not be ashamed!

Machinehead by Bush

Oh, Bush, how I love you. This whole album is magical.... really, does anything more need to be said? Gavin is sexy as hell, and I am insanely jealous of Gwen. That is all.

Gone Away by the Offspring

This song will forever be in memory for my friend that was killed almost 3 years ago. Every time I listen to it I get choked up and teary, and I want to scream these lyrics at the sky so he might hear. I carry these words in my heart everyday, and I hope he can hear it. The day I found out I just screamed and screamed. I miss him so much and now I'm crying, and that's all I can say about this right now.

Maybe in another life I could find you there// Pulled away before your time // I can't deal it's so unfair // And it feels // Yeah it feels like Heaven's so far away // And it feels// Yeah it feels like the world has grown cold //Now that you've gone away // Leaving flowers on your grave // To show that I still care// but black roses and hail marys // Can't bring back what's taken from me // I reach to the sky // And call out your name and if I could trade// I would.

World Outside by the Devlins

This song is about the other great love in my life. I can still barely listen to it because of the swell of emotion in my chest and throat, threatenting to explode. This is huge for me and it will take a while to work though. when I realized that I was truly in love with him, I freaked out because this was a situation I could not control. I would walk around for hours high on endorphins, not eating for 2 weeks and would shake when I sat still (which freaked out my friends).... I've never taken speed before, but I'd imagine that that's what it would be like. It was crazy. I was out of my mind a little bit, I think. when we were together it really was like a dream that I can't get over.

He really did a number on me.

You're lighting my dreams// You light up my skin// Waiting so long// Time to begin// I'm looking around// watching it spin// God, my world outside is changing// something within

This song and Comfort You by Eskimo Joe are still too painful to hear right now. But they are on this list because they stirred something deep inside me that I had never felt before. All of these songs have, in different ways. And that's why they will forever be amazing for me.

Last song.... what shall it be? This list is really harder to make than I thought. During writing this, I've thought about abandoning the 10-song idea and going with the top-10 albums, or the top-10 bands, but I want to keep this as simple as possible, because I can go one for days and years about this. But I think I'm going to have to go with Santogold. this too, will be a two-for-one deal.

L.E.S. Artistes and Starstuck by Santogold

I came across Santogold about 2 years ago, don't remember how, but it was one of my greatest musical finds. People compare her to M.I.A. (who is pretty awesome in her own right) but Santi is soooo much better. This is a new genre of music for me-- I usually go for the hardcore/emo/screamo stuff. Look her up, you will not be disappointed.

WAIT A MINUTE.

How could I not include any of my beloved Zeppelin??

OMG.

Well. The Ocean, the Immigrant Song, Heartbreaker, Kashmir, All of My Love.... genius. they were Gods.

Also, Billie Jean. MJ. Come on. You know you love it too.

Honorable Mentions go to:

Glycerine, Little Things, Monkey, Bomb, Come Down by Bush

Terrible Lie and Head Like a Hole by Nine Inch Nails

Lunacy Fringe by the Used

Pardon Me, Stellar, Make Yourself and the Warmth by Incubus

Otherside, Californication, Easily, Around the World by RHCP

Break and Keep Forgetting by the Cinematics

Race the Dream by Kill Hannah

E.S.T. and Fairwell to the Fairground by White Lies

moe.

I went to see the band moe. play in Manhattan this past weekend, and they were great. They played two nights, and I went to both. I went down with my friend Brad and we stayed at his friend's place in Brooklyn. The first night was a benefit concert to fight hunger, and there were a lot of musical guests - Butch Trucks on drums, Marco Benevento on keys, David Sandom on sax, Jeff Austin on the mandolin (awesome) and David Barnes on banjo. It was a good show, and I had a really good time, but sometimes it was like too many cooks in the kitchen. the crowd was good as well, which always enhances any show. Our friend DV came to meet us in Brooklyn from the airport, and we had his driver bring us over to the show in Manhattan. It was the most entertaining ride ever. The driver (who knew our friends) was really funny and took us on a nice ride so we could see all the sights like the Statue of Liberty and a good view of Manhattan. After we just went home to Brooklyn and hung out all night. I finally went to bed around 4 or 5, but the guys stayed up the entire night and just powered on through the next day.... I could have never done that!

The second night was just moe. by themselves, and I liked this show much better. They played Letter Home, Johnny Lineup, Shoot First, Mexico, Dr. G, Buster, and a lot more. They just jammed for like 20 minutes at a time, and the first set was amazing. It was definitely the standout of the night. After the show we met up with some other friends, hung around after the show, and then took the longest cab ride ever back to Brooklyn. We wanted to go to the Brooklyn Bowl but there was a cover and we were all pretty much broke at that point. So we went to this bar where there were some pretty colorful characters. I just sat with my ice water and people-watched the entire time, and ate a million peanuts. There were big baskets of peanuts everywhere, and the five of us downed like three of them, they were so good and sooo addicting. One guy at the table next to us was wearing cowboy chaps, a huge fur coat, and a full-size American flag draped around his shoulders. No shirt. With eyeliner. And I think that was his regular uniform. Others had crazy, asymmetrical, hipster hair; there were some biker characters in there, and some with black shapes painted on their faces. We all just watched, it was very entertaining. Then we got 3 am pizza and walked like 20 blocks back to the car to go home, and then stayed up til the sun came up. We listened to this really awesome group, Pretty Lights. You can go on their website and download their albums for free. I haven't been able to stop listening to them since I got home.

So that was my weekend, and I loved it, and never wanted to leave. Brad is going to see moe. this weekend in Boston, and I'm so jealous.

the mix tape

I received a mix tape last night, and it was a great delight. Mix tapes are outdated and almost obsolete now-- technology has come up with faster and easier ways to share music, as history has a way of doing. mix tapes are now mix cds, or sometimes just an emailed playlist. i've done both countless times, because I'm all about sharing music.... if I love a song, I want everyone to hear it! if you ask me to make you a playlist, you have just made my day.
but there's something to be said for mix tapes. the retro-ness of it. the fact that it takes time to assemble all of the different albums and record every song, one by one, and stay on top if it so you don't overlap songs or leave too much empty air. Then there's the sleeve. My mix tape included a little tracklist, typed up on typewriter, some words translated into Italian (bc he knows I can speak it) and a photo. Again, the time it took to make this is what I love the most. I remember how long it could take... my sister and I used to listen to the radio every night for hours waiting for our favorite songs to come on, so we could tape them. we'd have to have our fingers poised over the Record button at the end of every song, just in case the next one that came on was one we wanted. I got pretty good at recognizing a song from just the first note or two. I can picture us now-- two little girls (I must have been about 11, she about 9) in our shared bedroom in Arizona in 1997. I remember all the songs we waited for-- Blackstreet, Backstreet Boys, Eagle Eye Cherry, Semisonic, Better Than Ezra, Eve6... and a lot more that I never found out the names to.

anyway. I haven't even been able to listen to my tape yet-- because I can't find a cassette player anywhere! Isn't that crazy? well, maybe not-- cassette players went out in the mid-90s, over 15 years ago, as a friend recently pointed out. Little discmans are hard to find as it is, forget finding a walkman. yet still, I am surprised I'm having such a hard time finding one.

this tape has put such a smile on my face that hasn't been there in a long time. it's the dead of winter and bitterly cold. I have a lot on my plate with moving to another country, money and various relationship woes. I am so glad for this, it really cheered me up and I didn't even know I needed it.

2009

you know what? I had a really good year. From what I've been seeing online, though, a lot of people haven't, and are glad to be done with it. Well, here are some of the things I've done this year.

January - moved to Florence, Italy for 4 months. Adventures begin.
February - began a love affair. Went to Siena and Pisa.
March - Went to the French Riviera (Cannes & Nice) and Monaco. Conducted my own personal art history tour throughout Florence and Rome.
April - affair stalls. I rode on the back many vespas however, which made things bearable.
May - affair restarts then ends. Went to Amsterdam. Moved back home because I was flat broke and was reduced to eating potatoes for weeks before.
June/July/August - um. not much to report. Well, I had a bunch of art shows each month.
September - brief fling. yeah. rebounded with another one.
October - Went to my favorite band of all time- AFI. Amazing.
November - Awesome Thanksgiving at the Filiaults. Job interviews in NYC. and, 2 nights of insanity at PHISH.
December - My birthday, trip to SLC. Saw my old college friends which was awesome.

So, 2010, can you do one better?

PHISH

Phish was insane. Amazing, I loved it so much. They played 2 nights in Albany, and I went to both. We also ran around downtown Albany which was an adventure in itself.

The 2nd night, we got realllly close. The pictures make it seem farther away then we really were. I could see their faces!

They played most of my favorites.... Cavern, Down With Disease, Joy, Suzy Greenberg, Let Me Lie.... and so many others. I got the recordings of both nights from a friend so I have been listening to those almost nonstop.

Wish I could go to Miami for their New Year's set... but I'll be in SLC.

it's been almost a month!

wow. well, I've been busy. to make up for it I will share my most prized recipe: Pumpkin Enchiladas. Now, I know that sounds strange, but trust me, these are the most amazing enchiladas you will ever have. Everyone I've made them for LOVES them and wants the recipe. You will impress all your friends. I admit, the first time I saw this I was like, yeah right. But one day I happened to have all the ingredients and figured, Why not? It was the best thing I ever did in the kitchen!


Pumpkin Enchiladas

Ingredients:
corn tortillas (one package is enough)
enchilada sauce
2 cans pure pumpkin
1 chopped onion
shredded fat-free cheddar cheese (usually about one package)
1-2 tb. dry taco seasoning mix (to taste)
Optional: salt, black pepper, fat-free sour cream, chopped scallions

Directions:
Preheat oven to 400 degrees.

Chop onion and sautee.

Add pumpkin and taco seasoning to the bowl. Mix well. Add onions to the mixture. If you like, season to taste with salt and pepper. I add a little enchilada sauce to make the consistency more spreadable.

You can roll them like normal enchiladas, but in my family we stack ours, sort of like lasagna. So put a little sauce in the bottom of the dish, then a layer of tortillas. You'll prob have to tear a few to make it fit the shape of the dish.

Then add the pumpkin, then more sauce, then cheese. Then repeat til you've used up all the pumpkin. Make the final layer tortillas, covered with sauce and cheese. If you roll them (which is much harder) then put cheese in the middle.

Bake for about 15 minutes, or until cheese is melted.

I also make my own enchilada sauce - it's better! but you can buy the canned stuff too if you are in a hurry. here's the recipe, super easy and super good. I make this to eat with tortilla chips too.

1 can plain tomato sauce - you have to check to see if there are no spices/seasonings added.
(a can of tomato paste works too, but you really have to water it down)
4 TBS flour
3 TBS butter
1/8 tbs garlic powder
3 TBS chili powder
water

Melt the butter, then add flour to make sort of a paste. Then add the sauce and seasonings. Add water to thin, just add a little at a time til it looks right. It should be on the thin side but not soupy. If it gets too thin just add more flour.
Simmer for about 5 mins.

To make a heavier dish, you can add black beans, chicken, or whatever else you think might be good. But honestly, the regular enchiladas are the best.

Let me know if you make this!!

AFI

ok, so I saw AFI the other night... my favorite band EVER. AMAZING. I was so close to the stage. The pics actually make things look farther away than they really were. They played Girl's Not Grey, Miss Murder, both the Leaving songs, Love Like Winter, Silver & Cold, Dancing Through Sunday, Bleed Black plus their new stuff which was ... just... AMAZING! I use that word a lot but there really is no other word to describe it. My life is complete now.

Sex and the City Sequel

...is anybody else worried about this? I think you should be... I've seen a few pictures of production and while the fashion looks fabulous, as always.... do we really need this? the 80s flashback scenes look a little scary. I'm all for a good 80s flashback, but I don't see how they are going to pull this off... I think it's a little past the point where the movie people can make them look 25 again, that's all.

Plus Carrie and Big are going to separate AGAIN? that is so tired. I thought the wedding stunt was so awful and unnecessary last time. Do we really need to go through it again? It would be far more interesting to see them as a married couple, together and having a functioning, adult relationship. There can still be obstacles, of course, but please, no more separation... it will be going on 12 years now of this nonsense.

Of course I will go see it. My girlfriends and I were devoted followers of the series. We'd rent or borrow every episode we could and hole up in a dorm room for hours, watching. It was one of the best times we shared, just girl time, bonding over the myriad of relationship issues that we could relate to and dying over the fashion. There is something very magical about this series. The first movie was good, but couldn't quite capture the same magic. But I'm afraid this next one will just be tired.

I love me some Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha. I'm just afraid that it will be too much too late!

Also, the worst rumor I've heard: Miley Cyrus?? OMG. NO. Anything but that.

Playlist for September

some are new, some are old ones dusted off and put back into rotation.

Meet Me at My Window - Jack's Mannequin
Make Yourself - Incubus
It's Not My Time - 3 Doors Down
Sleep Apnea - Chevelle
Gifted - NASA ft. Kanye West, Santogold & Lykke Li
Don't Change - INXS
Paper Airplanes (makeshift wings) - AFI


oh yeah... I am GOING TO SEE AFI in 3 weeks! This is a dream come true.

This message will self-destruct in 5 seconds.

"I'm thinking about developing a hard drug habit," she announced to her friend."Please don't say that." Her friend replied. She shrugged. It was true. She was bored as hell, and generally disappointed. Her friend turned and gave her a Look, which meant that there was no more discussing this. She just wanted to feel something, anything different from the quiet desperation that had been growing over summer. It was now Fall, and still she felt the same.

The 80s movie they were watching was kind of depressing. 80s movies always depressed her. The hair - the Aquanetted, teased perms, the exaggerated waves leftover from the 70s. The music- oh, the music. Synthesizers, excessive use of saxophones. The big, boxy, pastel colored clothes. Surely they must have known how bad they looked back then, right? Hard to say. They probably thought they looked "Terrific." Ugh, that was another thing- the way they said things like, "I think she's really something, really terrific, don't you?" ...NO. She could barely concentrate on the movie. All of these things irritated and distracted her so much, like a cat being pet in the opposite direction of its fur.

She was well aware that her desire to do hard drugs was... unhealthy, to say the least.She'd always had a self-destructive streak within her. The more she ignored it, the more she pushed it down, the louder and stronger that call became. Cue the cigarettes, cue that time she abandoned her friends at the bar in Scotland to run off with a charming Englishman into the night, cue the falling in love with men who never appreciated her.Well, it kept life interesting, and always made for a good story. And occasionally, inspiration for a decent work of art.

Is there a rehab for pre-drug addicts? she wondered, only half-sarcastically. It's called Therapy! a little voice said to her. Ugh. No thanks. She was tired of discussing everything, at length.... to a complete stranger who was paid to listen, no less. They never had anything productive to say, anyway. They just sat there, wordlessly, while you were supposed to spill your guts. Then, when you had said your piece, they would just say, "Hm. Same time next week?" She couldn't think of anything more tiresome.

4 more months, she thought. Well, maybe 5.

Meet me at my window.

She was babysitting her roommate's dog. He was small and white and fluffy. Her roommate was gone on another one of his trips, this time for 2 weeks to faraway places such as Vermont... P-town... LA. How nice, she thought.

The dog soon became her best friend. He had forgone the little bed she had made him out of her sorority blanket her Big Sister had made her as a gift for reaching initiation 5 years earlier. Instead, he preferred to sleep in her little twin bed every night, keeping her warm. If she didn't have this little dog to care for, the loneliness would have been too much. Her other 2 roommates breezed in occasionally, to pick up more clothes, maybe shower, never staying the night. She stayed every night. She had no where else to go. And neither did the dog.

After work, she would sit on the porch with the dog. Reading, drawing, whatever. It didn't matter. Anything to keep from sitting still and letting her thoughts get the better of her. Now that her roommate was gone, she could sit on the porch and smoke, instead of having to walk down the street so that he didn't see her light up. She didn't' particularly care for smoking, but what else was there to do? Plus there was always the chance that one of the other roommates would come home. She and this other roommate smoked together when he made his cameo appearances at the house. It was all she had to look forward to, because she was alone, and because she was falling for him. They would come to each other's rooms, saying "Hey, want to have a cigarette?" The magic words. Code for spending 15 more minutes together outside, a chance to have another great conversation.

So there she was, sitting on the porch steps with the dog, smoking alone. Head instinctively turned to the end of the street, so that she might see his vehicle round the corner. If he came. It only happened once during those few weeks, and when she saw him make his way to the driveway, she had to turn her head to hide the enormous smile of delight. She hated herself for being so pathetic. But it was all she had.

Today, she had swallowed an Ativan and began her ritual of sitting, reading and smoking on the front porch. Cursing her desperation, she tried to turn her head away from the end of the street. But every time she heard a car approach, she'd whip her head around and think, Fuck you to every car that wasn't his. Fuck you for not coming home and being with me. Fuck me for caring.

They had spent an amazing weekend together once, talking the whole time. He had taken her to grab something to eat, then to the bar. The next day he came to see her at work, and after she got done he came to her room and they spent another 8 hours together, talking. Talking about everything there was to talk about, and the conversation never stalled, unless she would catch him staring at her. This made her nervous and uncomfortable the first day, but by the second, she would just return his gaze. Talking had transformed in to wordless stares into eachother's eyes. It was intense. But also beautiful. The world had begun to brighten again. A few days later, he had taken her in his truck to the top of the mountain to look at the city lights. After two sexually tense hours, he finally kissed her and they made out the rest of the night. "Are you real?" he had asked."Am I dreaming? You are too beautiful to be here." Her heart felt funny. "Am I dreaming?" she had murmured in reply. The truck's windows had steamed up due to the sudden rise of temperature in the cab. When it was time to go home, he walked her to her bedroom door and said Goodnight. Was that it, she had thought, as she listened to him walk across the hall and close his door.

After that dream-like night, she didn't see him very often. Fuck, she thought, making out didn't have to ruin things. Well, she could understand if he didn't want to shit where he ate, but she was cool... didn't he know that? She knew she wasn't the only one in the picture. She wouldn't have let herself attach herself to his side like she so desperately wanted to. So she was free to moon about the house wretchedly, alone with the dog who missed his master. Free to sit on the porch and smoke cigarettes in vain.

I have my mom's cookies in the freezer, she remembered. And that last glass of wine. Her mom had sent her a care package from deep within George Bush country, that red state where football was given a life-or-death kind of importance.

They had made plans to collaborate on several works of art together one day when he dropped by her work, coffees in hand. Another great day. But then he left that night and didn't return. She knew where he went, too. He would always ask, "Well, what are you doing tomorrow night? Are you free?" But, tomorrow night never came.

Why, she silently screamed, why does he come my work, bring me coffee or cook me dinner? If the Ativan hadn't still been working (now sustained with a glass of red wine), she might have started to cry. She wasn't sure if he knew how she felt, and she so wanted to tell him, but there was never an opportunity. Tomorrow night never came. She was tired of living on edge, tired of never being the one chosen at the end of the night. Tired of being left at home when he disappeared.

Time for another cigarette, she supposed, sighing.

read if you will.

I had an amazing night of a stream of consciousness. Clarity. I was able to define and articulate my thoughts in to a coherent narrative. I was talking so fast, I had so many thoughts but here are the best of them... or what I can remember. Maybe it was the Ativan. Whatever it was, the stream of conscious and the ease in which it flowed was amazing.

Prior Knowledge.
Ever since I can remember being aware of my surroundings and actively making a conscious thought, there are just some things I have always known. I call this Prior Knowledge. A thought, for me, is an amalgamation of feelings, words and actions that you put together. You create your own thoughts. But some thoughts, a small few, have not been created by me, they were already there. I've had this a few times in my life. The last major one would be about 2 1/2 years ago, where I had a realization of a devastating event coming in the near future. I didn't know what would happen, I didn't know how or when, but I knew it would be big. And disastrous. And.... it was. When I got that Feeling and Thought in my head, it was scary. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to run. I had the sense that there wasn't much to be done except wait... I didn't understand this dark cloud that had come to me, but 6 months later I got my answer. I can't say much more on that specifically, unless you ask. But a small example would be this: I've always had a Feeling that I would go to Scotland someday. I remember as a child not knowing all that much about that particular country, just that it was a place that I would someday be. I knew about France and England quite well, because that's where the princesses lived in their castles, but I never had a Feeling that I would go to either of those places. Scotland was already a pre-existing thought in my head - I hadn't actively formed it, it was already there. Why? I just don't know that.

Think of it this way. Picture your mind as a living room. There's a couch or two, chairs, lamps, paintings on the walls, windows, etc. Standard room. Some of the things in there have been added, moved around, or taken out, all by you because it's your room. Some of the things have just always been there, like say, a photograph. It came with the room when you arrived (i.e. came into consciousness). You never really noticed it sitting on the shelf before; it was just part of the room, the room that is your mind. You just accepted it as part of the scene but never really looked at it before. You've never touched or moved it, it has always been in that spot and you just now see it. "Huh, I can't believe I've never noticed that there before!" you would say. This picture is really a thought. A thought that was grown in your mind along with your own evolution, along with your cells and neurons and veins. It was there when you were born, because it's something you've just always known. That photograph is a metaphor for the Feelings that have always been there in the mind that you just now see.

Now, careful here. This is the part where some antagonists would say, "you do make these thoughts, which then become self-fulfilling prophecies." It's a fine line, it is. And sometimes it is hard for me to distinguish. The Scotland trip is not something that I fulfilled myself. I was literally handed a plane ticket and some money. I would have never been able to go on my own. And since I was a small girl, I knew that someday that would happen for me. Same with the Disastrous Event. And same goes for a few other things. It doesn't happen often, but it's happened often enough for me to stop and think, Hmmm. My mom says I am very intuitive.... that is so, but I'm not sure it is responsible for my occasional Thoughts and Feelings. She'll ask me, "What do you think will happen with this?" (because I am usually right). I have to tell her, "Mom, I'm not a fortune-teller," but then I will give her my best judgement and prediction. I had to tell my dear friend that I was not a clairvoyant.... If only, because things would be so much easier then! Most of the time, well actually I can't think of a time when my Feelings/Thoughts were wrong. But like anyone, self-doubt gets in the way. I have always been able to trust myself, and I've had to force myself to listen to my gut and follow it. My mom has told me of countless times when she's ignored her own Feelings because they weren't in accordance with what she wanted to do, and she has been very sorry over the results.

Right now I have a Feeling about something. Unfortunately I am growing impatient and I feel like time is running out. My self-doubt is kicking in, making me wonder if this is a photograph that hasn't always been in the living room, I had put it there and forgot about it til now.

Are you stil with me? Of course this makes perfect sense to me, but this is something meant for conversation and dialogue.


The Mountain.
On to the next topic that I was philosophizing about last night. Hope you are still with me. I was saying to my dear friend last night, I feel as though I've just climbed a large Mountain. And at the top of that Mountain was a Mind of My Own. I can now Think For Myself, finally being free of anyone else's influence, no matter how strong.

Well, I've always had a very strong mind of my own, but I pushed it down, stifled it because I wanted other people (i.e. my family) to be happy. I shoved it underneath the couch in my Living Room. It would escape from time to time, complicating things. I followed my family's way of life and beliefs for about 19 years, because I was raised that way and I wanted to be an accepted member who was loved. Even though I disagreed with almost all of the things I was taught, I ignored my feelings and radical thoughts because I had always been taught that thinking and feeling that way was wrong. So, I felt that inside I was not good. I felt so sad and horrible for how I felt... something I couldn't help. I thought that inside I was realy a bad person. I desperately tried for years to change my own mind, to change everything about what was in me. And deep down I knew that I was a fake. I wasn't living for myself; I was living for them.

Slowly though, as I was growing up and coming to make my own decisions and determinations about the world, I woke up. Climbed farther up the Mountain. Instead of always retreating back down the the base of the Mountain where it was familiar and where I had my family, as I had done for years, I continued going Up. Slowly, but surely. Going Up was scary, and it took me a long time. I was alone in this, I was leaving the Fold. I had no idea what awaited me at the top.

A couple years ago, I found out. At the top was the sun. Lightness, clarity and freedom... I could finally breathe. It was a long journey. I had many reasons not to ever complete my climb, and I certainly had many people trying to keep me from breaking away. I still do. It was lonely, scary and one of the hardest things I've had to do.... but also completely worth it. My mind is now Free. I am not held back according to what others believe. I do not feel the need to live my life like theirs.

Some people never will do this. I've seen it throughout history, people who followed the crowd because they were afraid to express their own ideas and thoughts. Of being alone. And with good reason, too. Those who did were ostracized, shunned, imprisoned, and even killed. But what's more important? Living just to be alive, just to eat, drink and breathe another day, or living your own life, free, being true to yourself?

The road up the Mountain is long, hard, and lonely. Sometimes there is no road at all. But you have to keep going. Because at the top, is everything.

If I hadn't made me, I would've been made
somehow.
If I hadn't assembled myself, I'dve fallen apart by
now.
If I hadn't made me, I'd be more inclined to bow.
Powers that be would have swallowed me up,
but that's more than I can allow.
If you let them make you, they'll make you
papier-mache.
At a distance you're strong, until the wind comes
then you crumble and blow away.
You should make amends with you.
If only for better health.
But if you really want to live,why not try and Make
Yourself?
If I hadn't made me, I'dve fallen apart by now.
I won't let em' make me, it's more than I can
allow.
So when I make me, I won't be papier-mache.
And if I fuck me...I'll fuck me in my own way.
You should make amends with you.
If only for better health.
But if you really want to live,
why not try and Make Yourself?
Make Yourself.

soundtracks

I'm big on playlists/soundtracks. Ask me to make you one, and it'll make my day. Sometimes, I'll just say, "I'll make you one!" whether you asked me to or not. Sometimes I'll have to pause a movie several times to look up that song that's playing in the background.

I listen to music all day long at work, and often put my ipod on shuffle if I'm sick of the current playlist I've put together. As always, you tend to skip a lot of songs that come up (sometimes I will skip 90% of what I have).... reasons for this vary from sick of that song to not right now, or for me, I can't bear to listen to that right now ... reason for that being is that since I make so many playlists, you come to associate certain songs with certain times in your life, certain experiences or (worst case scenario) certain people. Sometimes I listen to a song because of that, too, being in an nostalgic mood. Here's a sampling of what almost always gets skipped, thanks to a few men in my life (don't worry, I won't go through the entire laundry list)

TW - 4 U by Korn... or any Korn song off of their Issues album.
Leader of Men by Nickelback

AW - Runaway by Something Corporate
Tiny Vessels by Death Cab for Cutie

DC - Self-Esteem by the Offspring

VB - Erase/Rewind by the Cardigans
Comfort You by Eskimo Joe

The ones "in memory" of AW & VB always get skipped. Just hurts too much and I can't stand it. One time, I made AW a playlist of songs that made me think of him/our songs, and I made a booklet to go with- lyrics to allll the songs. It was one of my christmas presents to him, so that's why I put more work into it, but I wonder if he thought I was crazy! I wish I still had it... I wonder if he does... Self-Esteem always makes me laugh... then feel bad, because I'm that girl in that song and he (DC) is the guy.

The song for right now is Meet Me at My Window by Jack's Mannequin. The fate of how many times this song will be played or skipped has yet to be determined!

Eclipse Mill Gallery show

This week, I was asked to be a part of the Eclipse Mill Gallery show, "Imaged Words." The opening was Friday, and the exhibition is up til October 4th. It was an honor to be asked to participate, and thank you to those who came to see my work!
I
My piece is on the far left, entitled You Could Have Been the One.


Lately, I've had a flood of ideas come to me for new art. It's such an amazing time, because I've had such a dry spell (art-wise, that is) for a long time. I have so many ideas I can't remember them all. I don't know what it is, maybe some new influences, but whatever it may be I hope I can ride this wave for as long as I can. I'm not like some artists, who are constantly creating. Well, I am constantly writing and making little sketches but as far as finished works, that's harder to come by. Sometimes it makes me feel like I'm not a real artist, and I really wonder if I am sometimes. But I don't know how to, or want to do anything else. I've been uninspired for a long time, mired down in emotional rollercoasters that left me unable to concentrate on anything else.... and I think that fog has lifted. Thank you, universe, and whoever you are.

meeting the gov.

very random, but... not a bad way to spend a morning.

something awesome

so, my art professor Greg Scheckler did the cover art for one of my favorite bands ever.... Brand New. How cool is this!!

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B002K0VMB4

this painting hung in Gallery 51 last year. Congratulations!

meanwhile- I've been meaning to write a new blog soon. It's coming.

my art in the BAC gallery

I am sleep-walking today. Went to a party last night, there was a chill band and cool people, and the next thing I knew it was 4 am. I almost felt cool.

I just realized how many birthday parties I went to this month. I guess July was a popular month to be born...?

Here are some cell phone pics of my art in the BAC gallery... opening this Thursday! Need to get a real camera, as I accidentally drowned mine in Italy. sigh.